Whooohooo! 134.5 down from 140 last week! and i didnt even try! yeh man! stress is the way to lose weight! hehehe! it seemed to work anyway! i have a cold and a sore throat now so hopefully i can use that as an excuse not to eat.

parents are bitching and moaning about me being a fat whale too so they are forcing me to do more exercise. very useful for losing weight. less helpful when i am already tired and i have ME. stress always knocks me back. i always get physically ill when i get really stressed and combined with a cold, i am feeling sooo wonderful!

i have my first driving lesson tomorrow! so providing i make it through double maths and i can still vaguely concentrate after it, i will be driving at last! just dont want to pass out when im driving!

i WILL be 126 by the time i go on camp. i MUST be. i refuse to go to a water park looking like a beached whale. i bought some shorts so at least i can hide slightly and not make everyone want to throw up when they look at me. i am so gross in a swimming costume. the plan to buy a bikini went out the window the second i saw myself in one. i wanted to be sick. i am so hideous. the swimming costume is bad enough but i dont have much choie really...

so there you go! a wonderful little update about my deadly dull life!

Just a random note: the virgin suicides is amazing and full of skinny people! Kirsten Dunst is especially perfect in it. anyone know any more films to inspire you to be thin? i need all the help i can get! thank you!

Ok it's official. I HATE exams. Grr... parents are insisting I eat properly cause I need the food for energy for revision and thinking in exams. I guess its true but I hate it.

I'm too bloody scared to go near the scales cause I know I have put on weight and if i see it properly I know I will freak out, get all obsessy again and fuck up the rest of my exams... *sigh* life. gar. I have a week now till my next exam so its a week of hardcore dieting! Then when my exams are ALL over, it's getting really serious cause I need to lose soo much weight before the summer when I go away.

I am determined. I have a good stock of diet coke and gum to keep me going! I will be living on here! I MUST do this!

I plateaued for about a month having reached an all time low weight of 135lbs which was ok cause I had some problems with friends and parents being on at me constantly about not eating etc. so I had to eat a little more to get them off my back. Bounced between 135 and 138 for a while... bad but not awful...

Anyway last week I had a bitch of an exam on Monday which went rather badly :( so not a good start to the week.

When we were younger, a friend's mum helped to run the Sunday School at Church and then as we got older, she helped with the Curch Youth Group. She also ran a discussion group for some of the older ones at Youth Club and it has been the same group of us who have gone to all of these, including my two closest friends. A couple of years ago she trained as a counselor and for a while now she has been qualified and everything. I think she would be very good. This year she started to run another small group for some of us older ones... (mainly her daughter who we used to be very good friends with but we only seem to chat to occasionally now, me, and my two closest friends.) She has known all of us since we were little... The group wasn't for discussing anything in particular... more general chatting... not counselling either.

My two closest friends know me very well... they know that I self harm... they know that I don't eat properly and have issues with my weight... they know that I have been depressed... tried to kill myself... and they promised never to say anything about any of it to anyone. They have told me things too... things I would never repeat to anyone... things I promised never to say... But they broke their promise. They told the friend's mum who was a counselor everything. Absolutely bloody everything. As they called it "the truth". They said they were worried about me and didn't know what to do... so they asked her to have a word with me. Tuesday she phoned... my mum was there and all... said she wanted to chat etc and that the others would come a bit late to her session the next day so she could talk to me.

I don't do talking. It has taken my friends years to get all of this out of me... to get me to even talk a little bit... they still don't even know all of it. But she expected me to sit there and talk to her. So I spent the rest of Tuesday panicking, didn't sleep at all Tuesday night, worried all Wednesday and by the time I went to see her I was feeling like hell... Thankfully, she never mentioned the eating and suicide attempt. But she managed to spend 30 minutes talking about self harm... I was kinda relieved she didn't have a go at me over it... she was actually kind of understanding... but that half an hour was hell... I hardly said a word and I was on the verge of tears the whole time... I think she realised that... and that was why she didn't push it by talking about anything else...

Needless to say I am not in the best mood with my friends... and that was the last time I trust them with anything else again...

Just to top off a shit week, my boyfriend ended it with me Thursday night because he found out about the self harm. :S wonderful...

All of this couldn't have come at a worse time... I'm in the middle of my exams... and I had to go away for 4 days with one of my friends who told the counselor everything. I made it through the weekend somehow... (we went sailing) just made sure I didn't say anything personal and it all felt nice and fake.

Before I went away, I had made it to my new lowest weight of 133.5 having lost 4 lbs in 4 days cause I was too panicky to eat. Unfortunately her family are really big eaters and all quite large so I put on 3lbs while I was away. :'( On the way home from collecting me my parents insisted we stopped for dinner so we had Burger King (I HATE BK) It was a really shitty and dirty one and the food took forever. I managed to get food poisoning from it. :S So I was up most of last night being very ill - not fun. The good thing is, I now have a great excuse to not eat and get back down to 133.5!

Well... I've been ill in bed for the last 3 days which sucks cause i feel like hell but i guess every cloud has a silver lining cause my throat kills so much i can hardly swallow, which means that i can easily get out of eating! Haven't had breakfast or lunch since Friday and though I have had something to eat at dinner time I have made sure i got a really small portion and only ate half. It feels good! I've lost 3 pounds since Saturday morning which i am really pleased with but I've got a looong way to go.

Despite mum insisting I eat something for lunch today (cause i'm off school and i need to go back tomorrow cause i have physics and i skipped it last week too...) i managed to get away with 3 spoonfuls of porridge which i figure isnt too bad.

Its the Easter holidays in a few weeks which i figure is going to be a good point to do some serious exercising and restricting. Only bad thing is we'll be going to see both sets of Grandparents... It isn't too bad at Grandmas if I can avoid the crisps in the evenings because she expects you to go and get something to eat if you want it and doent keep trying to give you more food. She also has a big bowl of mints in the kitchen so if i can have those to suck on intead of food when im hungry it should be better. I need to make sure I avoid the "Goodie Store" (a sweet shop selling really cheap, tasty stuff) because everything there is so cheap and tasty I usually buy loads... if I dont buy anything it wont be there for me to nibble at. It's gonna be harder to avoid putting on weight at Gran and Grandads because they are always giving you more to eat, offering chocolate biscuits and insisting you have pudding... its gonna be very hard... I will have to try to do exercises and stuff in the back room cause i sleep in the lounge at theirs, so i have no privacy. Gar.

When i'm at home, the exercising is going to get serious. I want to go back to school after Easter and for people to actually notice that i've lost weight. Cause I can't see much of a difference even though none of my old clothes fit me anymore. I feel kinda guilty cause ive had to get rid of 5 pairs of trousers... and we cant afford to keep buying loads of new clothes... My 2 new(ish) pairs of jeans arent fitting me now either so i think im gonna have to sweet talk mum into getting me some new ones. :s I was pissed off the other week though cause I bought a really pretty top just before Christmas for the spring/summer and i figured i would wear it cause it was a little warmer. And the damn top is too big. already. gar. It is all baggy under my arms and hangs off me instead of fitting me. *sob* This isn't going to stop me though. I have to lose more weight. Even if none of my wardrobe fits me and i have to live in baggy trousers that fall straight off if i dont use a belt. I know what i want and I have to get there.

Today I am determined! :P

Bloody hell... parents... it was my Birthday back at the begining of March and cause my sodding brother had so many gigs and other music stuff on there was no time for me to do anything for my Birthday. Parents thought i should take my friends out for a meal. Heh. I don't want to do that cause it, obviously, means eating (though it may get my friends off my back) and i dont fancy all my friends watching exactly how much im eating and trying to get me to eat more. SO I haven't bothered to arragnge anything. Now parents are yelling at me cause im 'too lazy' to even sort out something for my bithday. But everything seems to involve eating. I don't want to do anything any more. I don't care. I said i wasn't going to do anything now cause my birthday was so long ago and they just came up with a million reasons why i should do something. I mean grr... what the hell is the point in asking me something if they are going to tell me the answer and tell me what im going to do anyway. I hate it. I told them. I got yelled at. again. It sucks.

I dont know what to do. :(

Had a maths day at UWE today which was quite cool! The only problem for me was that they gave us chocolate in 2 out of the 3 workshops and then again at the end. And everyone ate it there on the spot... It would have been really rude if i didnt eat it so i buggered up and had some. Luckily they were only mini ones and wont have had too many calories. Everyone went to the cafe there for lunch too which sucked cause they all had really nice looking paninis and some bought chips... it was hell for me and i was the only one not to buy anything. I did have a few of other peoples chips cause people kept forcing me to have some but i stuck to my apple and chicken satay sticks (65 calories) so that was much better.

I have been stuck at 140 pounds for 5 days now... i'm getting annoyed and impatient. I MUST lose at least another pound by Friday but its Wednesday today so I don't know if i can... I really really must try though.

Its the Ball on Friday which will be awesome but I have to make sure i dont eat much there because i know they are doing a buffet. I will have to have some though or people will be on my back about not eating again. I dont want them to have a go at me at the Ball. I dont want to ruin it. I know I will fit into my dress though which is uber cool cause it fit me fine before but now it will fit even better! I wish I was skinny...

I seem to have more willpower now becuase I can find it quite easy not to eat even if i am hungry. I just entertain myself doing something else and remind myself that it is only so long till dinner/lunch. I have had a bag of Hersheys in my drawer for weeks now and i havent had any. I also havent had any of the Milka a friend gave me but I will have some soon becuase I dont want to be rude and offend her... hell i dont... but i think my whole restricting thing is really getting to her... i just dont know what to do anymore. I cant keep my friends happy and lose weight at the same time. They mean the world to me but losing weight is something i just have to do. I dont want to start lying to them about what I am eating but if it gets them off my back then maybe I will have to... oh dear... :'(

So I started this journal cause I want some support and to be able to talk to people properly without constantly worrying about what my friends are going to say...

I'm desperate to lose weight cause i feel and look fat. there is no other word to describe it. fat. and how i hate it....

So...
Age: 17 in two weeks!
Height: 5'5"
Current weight: 140
Highest weight: 150
Lowest weight: 136 (October 2003)
Short term goal weight:133
Long term goal weight:120

So far I have lost 10 pounds in 3 weeks which is pretty good for me cause i find it really hard to lose weight...

I've been restricting a lot to try to lose weight. I dont eat breakfast (i cant face food in the mornings), I have a piece of fruit or a smoothie for lunch and i have to eat dinner normally because my mum cooks it and there is no way i would ever be allowed to skip dinner. I never have any snacks through the day even though people are constantly trying to force me to eat...

Its only when you dont eat that you realise how much people talk about food... at school it is a nightmare... i constantly have people trying to get me to eat more which is why i dont eat lunch at school (except on fridays because im in all day). When i have to eat lunch I stick to healthy, low calorie things.

I have problems with my close friends though... they dont understand that i need to lose weight and they think i am fine just as i am... but i feel fat and i have no confidence... i want to be thin and be full of confidence!

Well thats all for now folks!

Toodles!